How To Trick Employers Into Giving You A Job

You’re not fooling anyone; we all know you’re still a total betch disguised as a semi-professional, (sometimes) mature young adult. I mean, who are you kidding with your resume printed out on that stupid ass linen paper and your heinous Padfolio anyways? Let’s be real; there is probably so much going through your head right now preparing for your interview(s), that you are likely forgetting the most fucking obvious and important rules of tricking an employer into giving you a job. And trust me when I say that none of them include your cheap ass, last minute Office Depot purchases. 

Rule 1: Camouflage your social media accounts. 

Seriously. Do I even need to go over this again? Don't be an idiot. 

Rule 2: Do your fucking homework. 

Like, the worst thing you can do is go into an interview without knowing a) what the fuck the company does (Google, betch) b) who you’re speaking with (LinkedIn stalking is beyond permissible) and c) the responsibilities of the role you’re interviewing for. Because guess what? More likely than not, your interviewer is looking for: a) that you know what the fuck their company does b) to have their ego stroked because you know where he/she/it went to college and you guys have sOoOoOooo much in common and c) that you understand what the fuck you’re interviewing for and can semi-coherently state why you’re such a great fit for responsibilities X, Y, Z. Don’t be a fucking idiot, and do your homework. 

Rule 3: Channel your inner Michelle Obama.   

I know, I know. Pant suits and nylons aren’t exactly going to get you a million boyfriends. Well…Michelle did score the future President of the United States. So, maybe? Ew. But, if you want this job, you fucking own those nylons, and you throw a cute ass, colorful necklace on to let that employer know that not even a sick, plain black skirt suit that itches the shit out of your entire fucking body can contain the fabulous, go-getter aura that you so clearly exude. But like what really matters is you’re obviously really professional and classy and shit with your plain black skirt suit. 

Yes, it really is that simple. Now go get your dream job, K? 

Apartment Hunting - forget the budget, honey.

You might think I'm absolutely fucking NUTS judging by the title of this post. I mean come on - we're absolutely broke recent graduates eating top ramen & apples for... every meal. Trust me, I get it! I'm in the same boat. But I also realize something that you haven't until reading this blog post: THIS IS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF MONEY WE'LL EVER MAKE! Seriously! It is. Think about it....even if you scored a badass job (like me, duh) you're not getting the salary you obvi need to support your fabulous lifestyle. BUT, what else do you have to pay for? If you already own a car, get the whole benefits shebang from work, the only really pressing thing you absolutely need to spend money on is your living situation. I'm not saying sign a lease on an apartment that has a rent amounting half your yearly salary.... but if you don't have loans/other significant payments to make then don't settle on a dilapidated apartment in the ghetto! Eventually you will get promoted, and you will be SO happy you decided to lock yourself into a gorgeous apartment lease. Sure, you might need to cut back a little on the shoe addiction or hold off on your 3438438 girl's trips you have planned this summer. But isn't living somewhere you absolutely LOVE and feel SAFE more important than any pair of shoes you could ever buy? I absolutely think so. 

A few things to think about BEFORE signing that lease (and yes, feel free to knock on resident's doors to ask.  You're pretty! You do what you want.):

- Is there asbestos/lead paint here? Seriously, ASK. Sneaky landlords will put this MAJOR issue in the tiniest print on the lease. Not okay. 

- Decorating - will they let you paint/put holes in the walls? 

- Do I REALLY want a roomie after living in my sorority house? Is splitting costs worth someone else's mess/weird antics/pedophile looking boyfriend being over 24/7 anymore? Can I afford to live alone?

- How close is this to work? What time will I have to wake up with traffic/distance in mind?

- How safe do I feel here? Would I feel comfortable walking to my car at night?

- How practical is the space for my lifestyle? White carpet is NOT compatible with wine.

- Did the management get shitty reviews online? Check Yelp & apartmentratings.com.

- Is there A/C? Heat? Washer/Dryer? Parking Spot? Gate? Security? Where does my package go if it's delivered when I'm not home?

- Does the monthly rent + avg. utilities bill = less than half your monthly salary? You need to have SOME money leftover to keep you fabulous. Oh, and save... I guess.....

- Do they offer renter's insurance? DEFINITELY something to get. If they don't, ask your car insurance provider! Usually they offer some sort of cheap deal. 

- Are there cable hookups in the rooms you want TV's? These are EXPENSIVE to install if not. 

Things to bring with you to the leasing office: 

- Application. duh.

- Proof of income (usually 4 months paystub) 

- Check book for deposit

- Proof of renter's insurance

- Proof that you've turned on electricity (when necessary)

Social Media DUH's

For the love of fruit snacks - Make your social media accounts private!

Seriously. Even Miley Cyrus knows not to PURPOSEFULLY let pictures of her drunk/smoking/being a tween whore pop up on Facebook. If you want a job, you have to convince potential employers that you're responsible in AND out of the workplace. That's just not going to happen if they search your name and the first Google image is you doing a keg stand. And they WILL Google you. And Facebook/Twitter/Blog/LinkedIn stalk you. As they should! Because if you're stupid enough to make your questionable extracurriculars so publicly accessible, you definitely don't deserve to be hired.  SO! Do the following:

- Make sure ALL of your social accounts are completely private.
- Delete any and all pictures/posts of you being an imbecile. Because private just means not seen...yet.
- Think about taking your last name off your accounts while on the job hunt. Yes, even Facebook. Not searchable=completely hire-able.
- Don't accept just anyone that friend requests/follow requests you. Potential employers like to get sneaky if they have any doubts whatsoever about your recent-grad maturity.

Sure, these privatizing necessities will make it harder for you to make sure your ex-boyfriend is still stalking your pics. But, I promise you it will be worth it in the long run.

Don't be these girls on Facebook....or..... EVER.