You’re not fooling anyone; we all know you’re still a total betch disguised as a semi-professional, (sometimes) mature young adult. I mean, who are you kidding with your resume printed out on that stupid ass linen paper and your heinous Padfolio anyways? Let’s be real; there is probably so much going through your head right now preparing for your interview(s), that you are likely forgetting the most fucking obvious and important rules of tricking an employer into giving you a job. And trust me when I say that none of them include your cheap ass, last minute Office Depot purchases.
Rule 1: Camouflage your social media accounts.
Seriously. Do I even need to go over this again? Don't be an idiot.
Rule 2: Do your fucking homework.
Like, the worst thing you can do is go into an interview without knowing a) what the fuck the company does (Google, betch) b) who you’re speaking with (LinkedIn stalking is beyond permissible) and c) the responsibilities of the role you’re interviewing for. Because guess what? More likely than not, your interviewer is looking for: a) that you know what the fuck their company does b) to have their ego stroked because you know where he/she/it went to college and you guys have sOoOoOooo much in common and c) that you understand what the fuck you’re interviewing for and can semi-coherently state why you’re such a great fit for responsibilities X, Y, Z. Don’t be a fucking idiot, and do your homework.
Rule 3: Channel your inner Michelle Obama.
I know, I know. Pant suits and nylons aren’t exactly going to get you a million boyfriends. Well…Michelle did score the future President of the United States. So, maybe? Ew. But, if you want this job, you fucking own those nylons, and you throw a cute ass, colorful necklace on to let that employer know that not even a sick, plain black skirt suit that itches the shit out of your entire fucking body can contain the fabulous, go-getter aura that you so clearly exude. But like what really matters is you’re obviously really professional and classy and shit with your plain black skirt suit.
Yes, it really is that simple. Now go get your dream job, K?
